Oh, how I long to have words to describe it!

There are no words to describe it. There is no way to convey what lies within me to you. There is nothing I can do. It is this very feeling of helplessness that keeps me from joy. There is no poetry that I could write, and no song that I could sing to express myself. I am not in a typical state of confusion. As a matter of fact, I am not at all confused. I am not ignorant to my circumstance. I no longer fear the life I live. It's something different. I am not happy, nor am I sad. I am not turning to apathy. I feel. I feel... something. It's not the same as usual. It's not a feeling I often experience. I wish there were a word to describe it, but there is not. I could read the entire dictionary, and I doubt I could find one word that describes my feeling. It's becoming rather frustrating. As part of my life seems to be improving, another part withers away into nothingness.


I will ramble no more. Yesterday, I went to the cardiologist. He has me on a strong anti-inflammatory and steroids for the next week, in hopes that my chest pain comes from inflammation around the heart. If that doesn't work, we have a plan B. Plan B is to go on a second set of medication. If the second set of meds is what helps me, than I've been having spasms in the arteries of my heart. Yesterday was one of my better days, as far as emotional stress went. I was doing alright yesterday.


I kind of miss yesterday. I didn't sleep very well last night. I had five new nightmares, and several old ones. I hate nightmares. I wish they would just go away. Perhaps someday they will. Today I am emotionally overwhelmed. I'm choosing not to let things get to me. I think everyone will be better off that way. Goodness, I whine a lot. Oo! *thinks up something happy* Last night, I went to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with my family, Josh, and Sam. It was fun. Afterward, we came here and hung out for a while. I liked that, too. :) See? I knew I'd think of something!


That's just about all I have to say for today. *smile of encouragement inserted here* Remember folks, don't give up one me yet. I'm still alive and kicking. God bless you! Farewell.


P.S.-- Yes, I am still planning on taking over the world.