Have you ever...?

Have you ever had one of those days where you weren't sure if the day was good or bad? when your day is somehow fabulous and horrendous at the same time? when the pain and joy are equal and yet remain unbalanced? Have you ever had one of those days? That is precisely how I would describe today. Days like these seem to be crawling their way into my life. Generally I can adapt to patterns such as these, but with this I struggle. I'm stuck in this void of confusion. It's nothing serious, and I always have something to be thankful for. I rarely feel depressed. As a matter of fact, more often do I find joy. It's simply that a pain hovers over my shoulder. A pain holds the dagger that pierces my peace. I'm not dead; I'm injured. It's as if the wound bleeds onto my happiness. It can not take it away, but it leaves a bloodstain. I only wish I knew how to stop this from happening. I wish there were a way I could snatch the dagger from the firm grasp my pain seems to have on it. I just haven't the strength. I have the drive. I have the motivation. I have the desire. It's the strength that I lack. Or am I being selfish? Am I focusing on my desires, rather than my needs? Do I need constant, uninjured joy? or can I do without? I can tolerate the pain; I know I can. I can ignore it completely... but I don't want to. I've spent the last two months forcing myself to feel again, and now I find the apathy grotesque. However, it does tempt me. I will resist, as I should. I desire so much for the ache that dwells within, the sharp surges of agony, I wish them to die. I loathe them. I do not mean to be so negative. As I've said before, I am not overcome by this pain. It does eat away at you after a while though. It's so hard to give something up that is constantly gnawing at you. I leave it behind, but it follows me still. I let go completely, so why can it still hold to me? I won't give up. I won't give in. I will continue down this path. I will not halt for petty things. I will only yield. Someday I hope to go full speed ahead. In the meantime, these roadblocks are so bloomin' annoying! P.S.-- I still smile. I still laugh. I still love the little things. Oh, praise God for the little things. They keep me going. :)